Urethra, Ive Got It!

"Wobbles the Mind" (wobblesthemind)
08/31/2015 at 20:50 • Filed to: FCA Merger

Sergio is just putting up a smokescreen. He is getting all of the industry to watch him and forget that Tesla is heading towards Apple and Google levels of value and prestige. A few years ago all of us were wondering who would merge with Tesla. Now, with all eyes on Marchionne’s eccentric courtship, is anyone watching those Sergio has already hugged?

This is the way I see it, the goal of Tesla’s entrance as an auto brand was “to accelerate the advent of sustainable transport by bringing compelling mass market electric cars to market as soon as possible.” Tesla has made electric vehicles the most interesting, highest performing, safest, and sought after products in the industry. Would the new Hybrid hypercars be as cool? Does anyone ever mention LaFerrari having a V12 pushing towards an all natural 800hp? Do Porsche 918 owners mention the +600hp engine in or the all electric range? Hell, Consumer Reports rated the P85D above a perfect score even after stating it’s flawed. That’s like getting a 103 on an English paper with grammatical errors! Tesla is so far above the view of automotive perfection that even flaws keep it above the highest score any other vehicle could be made to.

While Tesla is making bank selling credits, what has FCA done to show any concern for CAFE regulations? Well, there is a PHEV Minivan coming, that will make up for the GLH, TA, Hellcats, QVs, and large vehicles that made up 98% of the dealer show and five year product plans. Why is FCA so unconcerned? Chrysler can market fuel efficiency but they only have three models. It might be difficult to place hybrids and EVs into brands that routinely show off more smoke clouds than the front entrance to the Magicians Annual BBQ and Tobacco Festival.

Well, Marchionne holds something around 49 different positions (exaggeration for emphasis). All of them are some type of lead in decisions. Wouldn’t becoming the official Head of Ferrari (and only Ferrari) seem like a promotion? Is there really a more prestigious job title in the industry? “Hi, Im the CEO of the largest automaker in the world” vs “Why yes, I am the Head of Ferrari!” Plus Marchionne says the Ferrari brand is worth $11 Billion (wasn’t Chrysler valued around $10 Billion not long ago?) Musk is also into outlandish statements of value, such as Tesla being valued at over $500 Billion in the next decade.

I don’t think Tesla or FCA would have any overlapping products, brands, or even personnel. The merger gets Tesla tech to a wider audience even faster without diluting it, even keeping the juxtaposition between P90D and Hellcat. We see that FCA is held back by heritage and nostalgia in every one of it’s brands. Tesla is all about innovation and the drive towards sooner arriving future and contians no heritage or history. Considering that FCA succeeds completely on brand values rather than any type of business logic, it seems to me like the addition of the most valuable brand in autodom would make for a perfect merger.

Elon, what do you think?

DISCUSSION (10)

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Wobbles the Mind
08/31/2015 at 20:55

Urethra?

Wobbles the Mind > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/31/2015 at 20:59

Would you believe me if I said it auto-corrected Eureka?

My citroen won't start > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/31/2015 at 21:00

I think he meant Aretha.

Santiago of Escuderia Boricua > Wobbles the Mind
08/31/2015 at 21:01

FCA needs cafe credits and Tesla needs profits. It might work

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > My citroen won't start
08/31/2015 at 21:01

Or possibly Shareefa

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > Wobbles the Mind
08/31/2015 at 21:02

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Eh, close enough.

Nibby > Wobbles the Mind
08/31/2015 at 21:03

LOL

LongbowMkII > Wobbles the Mind
08/31/2015 at 21:05

feasible, but it doesn’t help trim down production or supplier redundancies. if thats an issue at all.

TillTheWheelsFallOff: Brocoma > sm70- why not Duesenberg?
08/31/2015 at 21:07

top kek

PS9 > Wobbles the Mind
08/31/2015 at 21:21

Nah. A smokescreen is a totally unnecessary tactic. That’s the kind of trick you employ in politics, not business. In the private sector, people care more about the value you can create than about the things you say. Sergio’s commentary was...interesting, but he’s not running for public office, so nobody is going to remember any of it a week from now without google’s help.

I also don’t think buying Tesla will meet Sergio’s growth goals. Tesla could be the next GM someday. But today, they are a (still quickly growing) niche manufacturer of luxury autos. The Model 3 will likely change that, but a Tesla that rivals even the bottom of top twenty auto manufactures in the US in terms of volume is at least 2-3 decades away. Contrast that with his public commentary about GM and the Geely rumors. Sergio wants something that’s already big right now. ROI is something he wants today, not after 50 years of waiting and investing.

Tesla might get brought in the coming years, but whoever does that will need to keep funneling money into it (like it’s current investors do) for a prolonged amount of time, and be okay with not getting immediate ROI.